thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
