Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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