mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
