dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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