That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
