i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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