Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
