so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
