And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
