Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
