Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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