It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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