Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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