me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
