I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize