So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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