I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
