In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
