Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
