I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
