dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize