Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
