I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
