I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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