eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
