Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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