The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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