He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
