Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
this hospital has no fireball
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
