Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
