We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
