I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
