I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
