Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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