i don't like sucking hair
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
