Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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