I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
