We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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