My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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