I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
