I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
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