Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
just tell him i said nine months
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
