Apparently you make a good broom.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
