Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize