I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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