I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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