my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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