Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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