i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
