Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
