the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
