im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
