he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize