It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
