When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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