You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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