dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
