2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
