And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
