Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
