just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
