U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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